what was charles thinking

29-05-2026

Apologies to everyone who psyched themselves up for a weekend in Brighton seeing their favourite serf Sean Morley. Not long into last week I came down with an incredible fever that had me shivering like a thick worm and I didn't know how to get down to the south coast without turning to hot dust. It doesn't feel good to renege on anything - but it also feels good to convalesce and become well again, so it's a tricky knife edge to balance your professional relationships on.

I also have slightly less to put in here, as I spent 70% of my time since the last newsletter mired by mild delirium-laced bed inertia. But I will tell you about a fever dream I had.

I was in a vast pub car park on the edge of a housing estate. They'd found a new royal to replace Harry. For his first public event he was filming a stand-up special here in this car park. He grew up here. People can't believe it. There's no seats. Everyone's just in shirts and jeans holding their pints. Underfoot are thick chalk lines in brilliant colours snaking around the entire car park. The new prince comes out, says hello, and explains that this line represents his entire life. Occasionally it gets thicker, changes colours, patterns, moves from smooth flowing lines to thick jagged zig-zags, sometimes it diverges into several lines only to recombine later. The pattern is too large and complex to take in. The grammar and logic of the patterns in the lifeline too oblique to fathom. "By the end, all of this will make sense. You'll understand the line, and you'll understand me" he promises. The microphone in his hand is wired into a karaoke set. "But before that" he starts smiling to himself "who wants to know what princess minge tastes like?" He begins ostentatiously poking his tongue through a V shape formed by the fingers of his off-hand. With his main hand he puts the microphone under his armpit and places it in front of his crotch, opening and shutting his palm like it's a big mouth. As he does this he makes guttural barking sounds like a dog and begins running at people. It's scary. The front row involuntarily jump backwards into the people behind them. Voices are raising. The entire crowd is jostling backwards. In his enthusiasm, he pulls the microphone out of the machine and it starts buzzing loudly. He's chasing people and barking. People are getting genuinely frightened. Is this how it was supposed to go? It occurs to me to look around. There's no cameras. This isn't for anything. This is just happening, and we're all just letting it happen. What was Charles thinking?

First Community Bulletin

In the last newsletter I proposed a new bulletin board feature. I said if anyone wanted to send me an email with a message for everyone else, I'd include it in the following newsletter. I'm delighted to say reader Roth Veal has asked to send this bulletin to their fellow readers: Does anyone have an interesting hat?

You're not obliged to respond, of course. But the community bulletin board is open to all.

Morlvision

Morlvision is this Sunday!!!! For those who live outside the loop, I run an annual song contest where literally anyone can take part. Year on year it continues to break containment, spiralling into greater heights of popularity after the competition it was satirising decided to sink into a quagmire of its own making. Signups are long closed, and submissions are pouring in.

This Sunday we're going to be showcasing 30 original songs by 30 different artists based on at least 30 of a pool of 90 random prompts. Co-hosted by the disgraced husk of Terry Wogan (my enemy), Morlvision is the premiere outsider art event in the gregorian calendar.

Broadcast live on twitch at 7pm on Sunday 31st May.

Rik Mayall Comedy Festival

Also, before Sunday is Saturday, where I'll be at the Rik Mayall Comedy Festival in Droitwich Spa. At 2pm I'll be co-compering Midlands Child Syndrome and at 4pm I'll be doing my own show Backchannel Maybe I'll see you there!!!!!

Ok goodbye!!!